From the desk of the President of the United States of America
Subject: My to-do list for the next few days…
Thursday: take time from my presidential duties to show people that Trump is really just talking out of his ass.
Friday: see the devastation in Alabama first-hand, and give aid to the governor – even though he’s been trying to win favor from an extremist wing of his party who think the federal government should not exist.
Saturday: attend the White House Correspondent’s dinner, which honors the service of our free press (even though they’re a bunch of idiots), and give a really funny speech that shows what idiots Trump and Bachmann really are.
Sunday: kill that son of a bitch, Osama Bin Laden, even though he’s hiding inside a country that is supposed to be our ally, but that is really another terrorist state.
Monday: figure out how to keep doing my duty to this nation, while Republicans continue distracting Americans on fake made-up issues like my citizenship, gays, brown people, NPR and socialist fascist nazi death panels.